Before I begin, I want to put a little disclaimer on this post: This is me, this is something I have struggled with, and something I wanted to make changes in. Our weight and size have no bearing on beauty and who we are as people, there are inherent privileges society places on thin women, and health is not a one-size-fits-all. I decided to make changes for myself for reasons I will get into below, but I do not advocate others look at this post in any other way than “this person did a thing and felt like sharing it.”
Weight and body image is something I’ve struggled with for a while, both at times in my life when I had a very low body weight for my height, as well as high. As I’ve gotten older, problems somewhat outside my control, like taking heart meds that slow everything down, as well as fully in my control, like using excess unhealthy foods as a coping mechanism for stress, have caused me to gain weight and have trouble shedding it effectively. Not to mention, I lost muscle and stamina through less exercise than before, and I can really feel it in my daily life. If you were around when my blog was still a Weebly site, you might remember a post from late 2019, where I shared how I lost about 20lbs through the course of the year via finally getting my life in order. Think: minimized procrastination so I could get enough sleep, meal prepping with macros and calories figured out, drinking A LOT of water, morning workouts before classes, etc. Oh, how I miss my pre-pandemic self, for once in my life I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally well.
I sadly cannot fully replicate what I had going on then, just because circumstances are so different now. I kept my weight and fitness in a so-so state once the pandemic started, and then once I was in Honduras I really let myself go. It was a mix of cheaply priced foods, no place to feasibly workout, and dealing with trauma all in one. When grad school first started, I trained for my first 5k and lost a few pounds, bringing me from about almost 170 to low 160’s, which isn’t the worst, but for someone my height is a little high. Well, after some nights of extremely high stress and binge-eating, I had one of those “oh I can’t let this go on like this” revelations. I just felt… gross with what I was doing to myself. I wasn’t exercising often, my heart issues were acting up again, clothes weren’t fitting, my face was getting oilier, and I felt exhausted and just was not thriving, to put it that way. Again, your weight does not define your health, but in this case my habits that were causing this weight were not helping me.
My therapist was really understanding about everything, and we connected the dots of where trauma and stress from a lot of different founts led to this. I unfortunately stopped seeing her due to time and price, but working with her for even a few months was invaluable. I learned to put priority on not using food to cope and making time for exercise, even if it is just a quick midday walk through the campus. I will admit, this has led me a little bit in the opposite direction sometimes, like having a really bad day and avoiding food instead of binging, but in general I was making healthier choices for my body. I started slowly losing weight and working to improve how my body felt.
About a month ago the very physically strong person I’ve been seeing (gasp, followed by a wink) told me he was doing a half marathon in Chicago, so I decided to sign up for the 10k that is part of it to give me reason to see him again, as well as motivate me to exercise. This was a lofty goal, as I had hardly run since the 5k last year and never run 10k distance before in my life. Yet, it took less than a month to hit that distance in practice!
Sunday, May 21st was the day of the race. I ended up finishing in officially 1:09:59, which is absolutely wild to me given a month prior I was struggling to even finish 5k in distance while training. Another thing I noticed after starting training is that I’ve had to eat more and be more considerate of how I treat my body. Sleep, stretching, food (calories and macros), water, salt, etc. all played a role in what I could do and how I felt. It’s been a surprisingly good way to ensure I take care of myself, although I don’t plan on running as often post-race. So far I have been going about once a week to keep the cardio up.
Anyways, right now I am in the low 130’s (over 30lbs down!), and hope to get down to 125-130 eventually. Since the race, I’ve started going to the gym to work on strength, as well as throwing a run in now and then. Knowing that where I will be moving to come 2024 will have rock climbing gyms nearby (more info on that in the coming months!), I have more motivation to improve my body. The less I weigh and more muscle I have, the better I will climb once I get my grip strength back. I will probably update this if I hit any other milestones or feel my body looks significantly different. It’s taken over a year to make the progress that I’ve wanted and needed for a while, and I want to take the coming year to further transform myself and build muscle. I don’t think I’ll ever go for anything hardcore, but I hope that I can learn and improve slowly, one step at a time.
Happy reading,
-Beppa