Last night, while procrastinating on studying for my upcoming immunology exam, I looked back at old planners I saved. Within them are a plethora of doodles, memories of events passed, and stresses over classes I’ve aced and haven’t thought about in years. But, what was interesting was how even as a high school student, a literal child, I still wrote down “completely unrealistic” goals for my day, at least for me. The desire for high productivity and consistency in practicing multiple skill-sets weighed on my mind (and still does, unfortunately). One of my desired summer day-plans looked something like: 5:20am wake up and stretch, 5:30am go for a run, 6:00am shower and get ready, 6:30am breakfast (only 200 calories max), 7:00am practice Spanish or Polish, 7:50am leave for pharmacy shift… followed by a full day of non-stop activity, you get the idea, I will stop it there. Did I achieve days how I planned them? Probably for no more than a couple weeks at absolute most. Now as a grad student, I laugh at the thought of actually carrying out a morning like that, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I could.

I built a routine of going to the gym every weekday morning last summer. It didn’t matter what I did there, I could just walk on a treadmill for all I cared. Similarly, it didn’t matter what time I went, but I had to go before I could get ready and start my day of lab work. I just had to go and keep the habit. I actually managed to keep this going for the longest I’ve kept a habit in a while, that being about 3 consistent months. While I felt great, I started despising going. The lack of restriction in my schedule just made it hard to make excuses not to. My PI was doing a fellowship across the country, so nobody kept tabs on me directly– I could sleep ’til 5am or 10am as long as I got my work done at some point in the day. Without classes that needed late night studying, I had a lot more free time to pursue my hobbies. The gym routine was just something I had to do and I did… until the semester started and it was completely unfeasible.

It’s fascinating to me how I manage to pursue so many things, and while not great at any of them, I also am not particularly bad either (ok, maybe I’ve always been kinda bad at rock climbing haha). How do I stick with these things if I don’t put in consistency? How do I build any skill this way? I did some quick web searches, and off the bat, most seem to recommend a reliable schedule and doing a little each day. Bleh. But there seems to be a subculture of people who advocate for the opposite, including a YouTube video of a woman talking about an eerily similar situation to my own, here.

The creator of the video, Elizabeth Filips, describes at one point how she’d find an interesting topic and consume bits of it little by little until the passion for doing the thing becomes so heavy that she has extreme motivation and deep focus to learn it. While doing things in short bursts, rather than little by little with consistency, is generally disagreed with, she promotes that for her, these bursts not only catch her up for the “missed” time, but also push her ahead.

This being said, for some types of skills or for some people this method simply wouldn’t work, and that’s ok. But for me, I practically heard word-for-word what I’ve experienced my whole life. Throughout undergrad and now in grad school, I’ve noticed I get higher grades in classes where I can skip the lectures and just study at home a few days before the exam (with the exception being something like a language class where participation teaches a specific skill). This lowers the stress and ups the pressure/motivation when exam time gets closer. For others, doing this would be a path to failure, surely.

Being “that girl” feels like a dream, the “you’ve made it” move, but I have to ask if that is really the thing for all of us. You know, waking up early for a spin class, eating avocado toast, reading philosophy books, and having time for a full facial in skincare products every night. Just… glowing? Flawless? Someone without an unproductive moment in their day? I want it so bad but it simply feels so unnatural. I think for some of us it means finding a different way to be “her.” I almost want a way to keep things in my periphery without pressure to do them. In a weirdly similar sense, books I want to read or am partly through go on my desk in open sight. Although my desk would be less cluttered had I put them on my designated bookshelf, I forget too easily and don’t think to read them off the bat without the physical reminder. I wonder what ways we can do this for ourselves for less physically-manifesting goals (although it would be great to have a little painting of a gym I could hop into à la Mario 64)?

The other consideration is keeping things easy to lose or forget in maintenance mode. I don’t have time to sit down with Spanish anymore, and I can feel my ability to use it degrading from my memory each day I don’t do something in the language. For that, I try to follow meme accounts in Spanish and put preference on playing Latin music when I am working. I am thinking that when I have it in me next, I’ll get back to a novel in Spanish I was reading, or even try to plan a cheap trip to Honduras to visit friends that will get me hyper-motivated to study. But that just is not going to happen for a while and I know it. I will try to do what I can and not let myself get self-deprecating about it.

Lastly, remind yourself that you haven’t quit, you just are focusing your main attention on something else. I feel like I am no longer a doer of a thing when I haven’t done it for a while, despite possibly still being at an intermediate or somewhat advanced level. Like for playing accordion, I am not a master, but I certainly am more than a beginner. Even mild regression during times of inactivity does not take away that muscle memory nor knowledge I’ve built at some point or another. Yet, at a costume party I attended over winter break with nearly all strangers, I responded with “hiking” to a question asking about my hobbies, despite it being one of the more normal things I do. I just hadn’t played accordion enough recently at the time to feel like it was something I did, despite having been playing on and off since high school! Sure, does that first practice back always sting a bit? Yes. And if someone handed me an accordion at that party and told me to play, would I have stumbled? Yes. But within a few days, or even the next, I am right back at it like I hadn’t stopped from the last time. So why the shame and guilt? I sometimes even notice growth after a drought, so to speak. A difficult passage can suddenly become easier when I’ve let my mind be removed from a problem, almost like turning off and on a computer or having new perspectives to put towards it.

So, if you’re like me, take note that embracing the chaos is not an inherently bad thing, and if you’re not, well, keep an open mind towards those of us who are. Keeping afloat in this world is hard, and if you have big hopes for yourself, don’t let a small bump throw you off course. Follow your passions and take advantage of moments of motivation when they come.

Happy reading,
-Beppa