Alex and I went to see a circus yesterday before the big snowstorm was planned to hit. Although I’ve been trying to reduce my time spent on social media, I decided to log in to Instagram to share a few clips of the performances. The first video on my feed, directly when the app opened, was footage of ICU nurse Alex Pretti being shot ~10 times by Border Patrol agents. He was being held to the ground by a number of other officers when the one in a green jacket pulled out his weapon and shot him in the back. Again. And again. And again. That footage deeply shocked me, and I’ve been unable to pull my mind away from it since. Over the last day or so now, I’ve seen countless comments, posts, articles, and government officials describing the situation as though this is somehow a justified death. I fear, quite firmly, for what the future holds.

Let’s set the scene: it’s sometime around 2010, give or take. Catholic elementary school, computer class. The teacher has various office humor-style decorations scattered about. Ya know, like the red Staples “that was easy” button, ironic bobble-heads, you get it. In the mix of “working hard or hardly working” decor, there are figures of a little pink cat and green rabbit with huge, cartoonish eyes. When pressed, these creatures, named Hoops and Yoyo, would scream in high voices and crack ridiculous jokes. But it wasn’t the first time seeing them– I actually knew them from the eCards my dad would send (back when that was a thing people did regularly). And for some unknown reason, I was absolutely obsessed with them.

2024 was a doozy of a year for me, and not in a particularly heartening manner. In some ways, it’s a marvel that the sun came up on the first of the new year to see me still breathing and in one piece. Yet despite the ups and (mostly) downs, I am committed to bettering myself. Maybe in the past I would start a year with plans of grandeur– things like waking up at 5:30am to take virtual Spanish and Japanese lessons or reducing my calorie intake to a simultaneously laughable yet scary point. But with dawn of 2025, I realize that the things I need to work on are very different now.

I’ll admit it, I was quite upset that I couldn’t attend Ice Fest this year due to my move to Virginia (read: spent way too much time sulking about it). To add to the sting of being in a new university with new people in a new middle of nowhere, I now couldn’t feasibly attend what I hoped had become an annual thing. And not just any annual thing– an annual thing that gives me an absurdly huge boost of self-confidence and lets me escape from the stress of being a grad student. I ended up contacting folk from the group I’ve gone with before about missing this year, so hopefully next year I can coordinate with them to go again. But in the meantime, no extreme, adrenaline-pumping sport for me… or so I thought!

In a funny turn of events, I saw a poster hanging for an outdoor rec group associated with Virginia Tech. It listed their events for the semester, things like a spring break backpacking trip and paddle boarding dates. It also had listed a few dates with caving outings. I decided to look into it and register for one of them. I mean, why not? I love going on cave tours (Carlsbad Caverns, St. Michael’s Cave, Mammoth Cave, Cumberland Caverns, etc.), but always thought caving was too dangerous to try. Seeing that it was guided, all supplies provided, and beginner-friendly, I figured at worst it’d be dorky and I’d just get to walk around a local cave for the day. I was pleasantly surprised to find it was a lot more involved!

After recent car, financial, and big life decision issues, I’ve been struggling with extremely heightened anxiety. I notice that even little things I’m normally fine with have been putting me on edge lately. I’ve decided to combat this by bringin’ back a practice that kept me sane during the early days of the pandemic: journaling.

Recently, I’ve learned about myself that I do better by speaking or writing my feelings to figure them out. I’ll wonder why something has upset me or made me uneasy, only to have that little alone-in-the-car, self argument enlighten me. But rather than dwell on the negative, I think making a concerted effort to focus on the positive may be beneficial.

Before I begin, I want to put a little disclaimer on this post: This is me, this is something I have struggled with, and something I wanted to make changes in. Our weight and size have no bearing on beauty and who we are as people, there are inherent privileges society places on thin women, and health is not a one-size-fits-all. I decided to make changes for myself for reasons I will get into below, but I do not advocate others look at this post in any other way than “this person did a thing and felt like sharing it.”

Last night, while procrastinating on studying for my upcoming immunology exam, I looked back at old planners I saved. Within them are a plethora of doodles, memories of events passed, and stresses over classes I’ve aced and haven’t thought about in years. But, what was interesting was how even as a high school student, a literal child, I still wrote down “completely unrealistic” goals for my day, at least for me. The desire for high productivity and consistency in practicing multiple skill-sets weighed on my mind (and still does, unfortunately). One of my desired summer day-plans looked something like: 5:20am wake up and stretch, 5:30am go for a run, 6:00am shower and get ready, 6:30am breakfast (only 200 calories max), 7:00am practice Spanish or Polish, 7:50am leave for pharmacy shift… followed by a full day of non-stop activity, you get the idea, I will stop it there. Did I achieve days how I planned them? Probably for no more than a couple weeks at absolute most. Now as a grad student, I laugh at the thought of actually carrying out a morning like that, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I could.

Hi y’all. I don’t know if anyone reads these, but either way I felt like it’s been a while, and whether it’s for me or for you, I want to just give a little update. I’m totally fine, but I realize I just might not have much to post or talk about on here until I get some time to either go on some adventures or to look into personal interests. I felt like just talking about the stress a bit might help, as well if anyone is in grad school or planning to, to know that it’s not just new scientific breakthroughs and super fun times 24/7, even if sometimes posts online make it seem that way. I also apologize if this post comes off like a rant– I guess it sort of is?

Today is the last day of the semester, and as of 1am, all my grading and exams and work (except the flood of emails from students arguing grades) is complete. To think, I finished my first semester of grad school in one piece! But in reality, it is mind blowing to realize I am at a point in my life I’ve wanted for so long. High school-me and undergrad-me couldn’t wait to be in this mark on the timeline of my life, and despite the stress and worry it, and honestly everything else, brings me, it really is as freeing and wonderful as I imagined. For a while I’ve wondered “what if I can’t do it?” and “where do I go next?” in regards to jobs, school, and life. Although the pay is low, the hours are long, and each day gives me something new to have imposter syndrome about, I can focus on one thing for now and see where it takes me. It is almost as if I finally feel as though I am not in a transition period of my life. Things feel real again, I am finding ways to feasibly have adventures, and I am working on myself in ways that I really should’ve done before, all of it bit by bit.

For quite some time now, running a 5k has been on my bucket list. The first time I actually planned to do it was right before the pandemic hit– I had been training a bit early 2020 and was looking into races in the soon coming spring. When we did get quarantined, I assumed things would be back to normal by summer, so kept practicing on the treadmill in my basement. That summer I got COVID and it messed up my body a bit, so I gave running a rest, and picked it up again the next spring. Summer came again and I was off to Honduras, so I embraced the delicious foods and lack of safe running trails until I got back. I signed up in February and did a little bit of C25K (Couch to 5k, a free and legit plan to get you in shape for completing a full race) again, slowly bringing myself from someone who runs an occasional mile at the gym to making it a bit more of a routine. As luck would have it I got sick multiple times in those months, so my training was not the best, but I still went at it when I could.

Usually one would assume a spring break is the time for heading somewhere warm, getting a taste of the salt, sand, and sun before heading back to the last and arguably hardest part of our semester. For me, that thought was completely disregarded, because I went ICE CLIMBING this weekend?!? Oh, am I not giving you the expected pretty little build up description or something? Nope. I feel a sport as funky as this, plus the fact that your one and only resident nerd went and crushed it, deserves a little S.S.P. (shameless self-promotion).

As someone who writes their thoughts and rambles on the internet, it makes sense that I would enjoy the thoughts and rambles of others who do the same. I personally do it for a variety of reasons: using it as a personal journal (admittedly, it’s very cathartic), documenting my experiences (for others and so I don’t forget details), sharing something I find interesting (because if my friends and family hear me geek out one more time they’ll probably lose it), and to stay active and creative in my writing (nowadays my writings are large, scientific projects, and I sorely miss English-class-type writing). It has become a no-pressure hobby of mine, something I add to when I have time or need an outlet, and I’ve managed to keep it up for some time. I mean, I switched over to this domain in January 2021 but I had been using my Weebly site for at least a few years prior, on and off.

Oh did I have just the loveliest day Saturday! Although my inorgo lab (and procrastination) led me to getting under 4 hours of sleep, I woke puffy-faced and ready to get going. I headed into work for a short shift, grabbed some coffee, then headed home to be picked up by my friends and their family. We then drove downtown to the Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit Chicago. Let me tell you, I am a geek for artists, specifically their life stories and how it influenced their art, so I was over the moon. Not to mention, pop-up galleries always have a certain flair to them since they’re meant for more than just art enthusiasts. I guess what I’m saying is that they make it a lot easier for the average person to get into the art, which may sound lazy, but art takes many forms and this is one– a dramatic and oftentimes intoxicating one.

Lonely and bored, bored and lonely– the ongoing theme of quarantine. Even if you have a thousand tasks to complete and a house full of family, the feeling still persists. Well, maybe not for everyone, but arguably many. Prior to quarantine, I was content with my daily positive social interactions from classmates, professors, and friends. None were drawn out or particularly close-knit situations, but it was these small doses of connection that kept me motivated and grounded. I took pleasure in exploring the city alone and sharing my discoveries with a classmate over a quick cup of tea before a shared class, or talking about something I read with an engaging professor during office hours. Now, alone more than ever, I know that “introvert” is not synonymous with “recluse.” With so much time and too many alone thoughts, I asked myself, what is love (baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no moreeeee!)? I could not answer this. So, why not figure out what the opposite of love is and work from there? Some say hate. But no, that is the absence of love. A hole. An emptiness. Even the most active of hatreds caves, and if it is fiery then it is not exclusively hate. Instead, it is grief, it is longing. It is full of strong emotion that rivals that of love; it is the love for which is craved. The love one can’t have, either from the start or to the finish. It is the yearning as your touch your lips, their face in your mind’s eye. The shaky breath when a path is a dead end.

Productivity 
*orgasms*
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I’d say there is nothing I like more than being lazy and relaxing, but really, I can easily say I prefer having a wildly productive day and then having a spot scheduled to be lazy and relax without imposing on my goals/progress/time for important things. For years I have been obsessed with planning everything to a tee, setting super unrealistic goals, and telling myself to be a mini superwoman without finding a healthy way to actually go about it. As I get older, I seem to be getting better with managing my time, namely with how I balance the most important things, like school and health. Yet, as finals or some other busy time roll around, I still trash those and re-engage in unhealthy habits. 

My question of the day:
How much coding ability qualifies as knowing how to code?
I was reading through some posts on what MD/PhD programs look for, and a lot of people suggested learning to code. I would not be doing that to look good for admissions, though, I’m not about that life, but rather because if it saves me the trouble later when I would actually need to use that skill, it would be worth it. I feel like there are a lot of different languages to program in, so how would you know for sure which will be needed? What I learned in AP Computer Science in high school gave me a pretty good introduction, but I don’t feel like I completely mastered Java or anything. It has, though, helped me mess with the html in Weebly and helped me find errors in the program my PI wrote when I did research in a cochlear implant lab. That program, though, was in Matlab, which looked similar to Java but most definitely was not the same. Since I will most likely do my later studies in STEM or linguistics (or both???), I looked up common languages.