After recent car, financial, and big life decision issues, I’ve been struggling with extremely heightened anxiety. I notice that even little things I’m normally fine with have been putting me on edge lately. I’ve decided to combat this by bringin’ back a practice that kept me sane during the early days of the pandemic: journaling.

Recently, I’ve learned about myself that I do better by speaking or writing my feelings to figure them out. I’ll wonder why something has upset me or made me uneasy, only to have that little alone-in-the-car, self argument enlighten me. But rather than dwell on the negative, I think making a concerted effort to focus on the positive may be beneficial.

Before I begin, I want to put a little disclaimer on this post: This is me, this is something I have struggled with, and something I wanted to make changes in. Our weight and size have no bearing on beauty and who we are as people, there are inherent privileges society places on thin women, and health is not a one-size-fits-all. I decided to make changes for myself for reasons I will get into below, but I do not advocate others look at this post in any other way than “this person did a thing and felt like sharing it.”

Last night, while procrastinating on studying for my upcoming immunology exam, I looked back at old planners I saved. Within them are a plethora of doodles, memories of events passed, and stresses over classes I’ve aced and haven’t thought about in years. But, what was interesting was how even as a high school student, a literal child, I still wrote down “completely unrealistic” goals for my day, at least for me. The desire for high productivity and consistency in practicing multiple skill-sets weighed on my mind (and still does, unfortunately). One of my desired summer day-plans looked something like: 5:20am wake up and stretch, 5:30am go for a run, 6:00am shower and get ready, 6:30am breakfast (only 200 calories max), 7:00am practice Spanish or Polish, 7:50am leave for pharmacy shift… followed by a full day of non-stop activity, you get the idea, I will stop it there. Did I achieve days how I planned them? Probably for no more than a couple weeks at absolute most. Now as a grad student, I laugh at the thought of actually carrying out a morning like that, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing I could.