Hi y’all. I don’t know if anyone reads these, but either way I felt like it’s been a while, and whether it’s for me or for you, I want to just give a little update. I’m totally fine, but I realize I just might not have much to post or talk about on here until I get some time to either go on some adventures or to look into personal interests. I felt like just talking about the stress a bit might help, as well if anyone is in grad school or planning to, to know that it’s not just new scientific breakthroughs and super fun times 24/7, even if sometimes posts online make it seem that way. I also apologize if this post comes off like a rant– I guess it sort of is?

As of now, I’ve been in grad school since January 2022, so growing close to a year, and let me tell you, it’s metaphorically kicking my butt. It’s not that I can’t handle it, no, it’s honestly fine and theoretically the workload is less than what I’ve handled before, but it’s just that I’m really struggling to just balance everything else in life with it while still managing my expectations. Not to mention, everything is much higher stakes than it was before. Every time I study, read a paper, or finish an experiment, there’s another whole list of to-do’s waiting for me, and it all has to be done up to standard. My PI is a great mycologist, so I find myself constantly feeling as though I am disappointing him. I am working on both improving and learning to live with it, but it definitely puts stress on how I organize my time and efforts. If I do have a moment of free time, I have to question whether I want to further prepare for an exam or project, or if not, which hobby I want to spend it on.

With more free time in years past, I felt like my “jack of all trades” act wasn’t a big deal to keep up with. I mean, achieving a level of mastery in a skill would be great, but I’ve grown into the fact that having a wide range of things I could do was more satisfying for me, personally. I think the mental toll of not making any progress on, or honestly regressing for most of, my personal interests has left me kind of blank and anxious. Seeing a book I started for fun over a month ago sitting on my desk collecting dust or my rock climbing gear in a corner as I lose my callouses from disuse makes my stomach drop. Some days the pressure makes me stress eat, and others I’m sipping broth just to get something in me. It’s odd. I just haven’t felt like myself lately. Even in the last two weeks I’ve barely listened to music when it’s normally nonstop playing in my ear, and I find myself having anxiety attacks and trouble getting to sleep over nothing. I realize that someone might think it sounds serious, but it really isn’t. I know in the past stress and anxiety has affected me similarly, and I know to just push through it. It’s just frustrating, I guess.

I think, too, if I did sacrifice my sleep for balancing hobbies, work, and school in the past, there was never much I had to come up with on my own, so it didn’t matter. I could still study and attend classes on low sleep, but coming up with my experiments and work now requires much more brain power than I expected. Plus, physically dealing with some health issues is also requiring me to actually care for myself if I want to function throughout my day. Wild, right? If I don’t care for myself, I feel worse. It’s so obvious, but it can be hard to actually put proper focus into our bodies! Although I slip up depending on when exams hit and whatnot, it’s meant taking time to go to the gym, even if just to walk, and monitoring how much water or food I’m consuming each day. I’ve definitely been in a slump, but I went to the gym this morning for the first time in a number of weeks, so if I can be consistent like I was in the summer, I’m hoping it’ll improve how I’m feeling. Recently talking to someone much fitter than myself, I found myself getting almost defensive as they were sharing a story regarding their workout routine, so I knew I really had to keep that in check and make an effort like I did this morning. I’m also grateful I was able to schedule some doctors’ visits for November during the time I have off for Thanksgiving, so I’m really hoping to be heard and see what can be done on that end of things. With all that, I’ve been getting better about how I view my weight and body image, but I can’t say I’m fully at peace with those things yet. Weirdly enough, my tattoos have somehow mentally made me appreciate my body more, and so I am considering getting another about a year from my last one.

As for other life things, my snake buddy, Kirminas, has gotten bigger, so I am slowly saving for a bigger enclosure for him. I think it will be exciting to give him a nicer space as he’s definitely been somewhat of an emotional support snake for me lately. I also am trying to just force myself to look at Duolingo on occasion just so I stop losing all the progress I’ve made with languages. I’ve already conceded to the fact that my accordion and flute skills are going to degrade a bit, but until I am able to leave lab at a reasonable hour, it’s just not something I can fit in my day (unless you are my apartment neighbors and are cool with a nighttime squeezebox sesh). I think lastly, I am just trying to rekindle my motivations and gain a little confidence in myself as a scientist. My goal moving forward is to get back into the swing of a healthy routine, then start seeing how I can balance all the other moving parts in my life. It’s not unreasonable to have a life outside grad school, but I see now that it really takes a lot of time management and prioritizing. I just felt the need to write this as I’ve just been struggling and a little absent lately, so I hope to have an update on here soon with a more uplifting tone, or at least something interesting to share.

Happy reading,
-Beppa