Alex and I went to see a circus yesterday before the big snowstorm was planned to hit. Although I’ve been trying to reduce my time spent on social media, I decided to log in to Instagram to share a few clips of the performances. The first video on my feed, directly when the app opened, was footage of ICU nurse Alex Pretti being shot ~10 times by Border Patrol agents. He was being held to the ground by a number of other officers when the one in a green jacket pulled out his weapon and shot him in the back. Again. And again. And again. That footage deeply shocked me, and I’ve been unable to pull my mind away from it since. Over the last day or so now, I’ve seen countless comments, posts, articles, and government officials describing the situation as though this is somehow a justified death. I fear, quite firmly, for what the future holds.

I am unsure the exact moment when so many people lost their humanity, or if they even had it in the first place. Humans have been downright inhumane to each other since the dawn of time, but at a moment in history where we should theoretically be more comfortable, it feels almost pointed. How do we have the technology to improve the human experience, yet we humans, as a whole, choose to destroy and inflict harm? And with current technology more easily showing us the harm people face, how can we so easily stand by and watch? Think of what’s happening in Palestine, Sudan, and Ukraine, for instance. We know of the atrocities being committed, they’re practically broadcasted across the World Wide Web, yet all other countries are just standing by and watching. Or, even worse, they may be aiding the violence directly through money and weapons. Many countries spend so much on upkeeping military, yet do not mobilize troops in the name of civic values…

The United States has previously acted outwardly as a beacon of civilization and with an air of superiority, even if its action did not match up behind the scenes. Now though, the guise of decorum and professionalism are gone; we have leaders who cannot deliver coherent nor diplomatic speeches, a complete disregard for the law, and many officials outwardly mocking the values they should stand to uphold. Whether its interference from outside groups or we really are just rotted to the core, this is now (somehow?) seen as acceptable. It’s sad to say, but I was somehow was more easily able to accept conflicts happening in other places. I want to clarify that it doesn’t mean I didn’t care, but rather I felt more removed from what was happening. I did my best to boycott businesses that supported genocides, sign petitions for causes I care about, and support local businesses or individuals when it was feasible. But to see the violence the United States is employing against its own people has me shaken deeply. It’s not just Alex Pretti. It’s not just Renee Good. If anything, them being white is probably why this is getting as much attention as it is. We are harming so many people, from ICE abducting folks off the streets to how the NIH, CDC, and HHS being gutted will affect American health for years to come.

It’s been hard to remove myself from the whirlpool of catastrophizing thoughts today. I feel so much rage at the injustices happening around me, that have happened to me (like with my lab’s grant having been wrongfully terminated), and that honestly feel like they’re only going to get worse. At the end of the day, we need to find ways to keep pushing forwards towards a better future, but man, sometimes it really sucks that we have to live through these times.

Happy reading,
-Beppa